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<title>A Knife Will Whittle Down;Soon it is blunt by vexxedBereavement (orphan_account)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25114762">A Knife Will Whittle Down;Soon it is blunt</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/vexxedBereavement'>vexxedBereavement (orphan_account)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Let these dumb idiots be soft [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Aromantic Renee Walker, Author loves commas, Bonding, Demiromantic Neil Josten, Demisexual Neil Josten, Fluff, Gen, Hair Dye, M/M, Neil Josten Is an Idiot, Neil Josten Loves Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten is Touch Starved, Not Beta Read, PTSD, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationship, They love each other, Yoga, a little bit of, author knows nothing about yoga, let me be gay for fictional women okay?, renee and neil become bffs fight me, renee has super long hair in this, repost, stop ignoring neils place on the acespec 2k2020!, they're so great okay???</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:14:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,223</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25114762</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/vexxedBereavement</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Renee has always been similar to Neil, in an uncomfortable amount of ways. Maybe it was bound to happen like this? </p><p>What does it matter when the outcome is as sweet as Renee's sugared-honey smile?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neil Josten &amp; Renee Walker, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Let these dumb idiots be soft [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1819084</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>182</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Knife Will Whittle Down;Soon it is blunt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is a repost of a work i orphaned. it was for the prompt 'Renee and Neil bonding' (i went a bit overboard) </p><p>This is all platonic!! Don't worry! </p><p>CONTENT WARNINGS: Implied/Refrenced Child Abuse, Panic,PTSD</p><p>also: i do not have ptsd, nor am i on the ace/aro spectrum. if you feel i represented something wrong please tell me, i'll fix it or take the work down!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her bleach-white hair seemed to whip around her as she walked, the rainbow streaks like confetti found in the snow. Renee Walker walked with a soft sense of power, like she was above it all but didn't even seem to notice it. Her eyes went soft as she spotted him, near the old oak tree covered in moss. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Neil,” she said when she approached him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um, Hey Renee.” he responded, turning his head a bit so he didn't have to look her in the eyes. Renee still unnerved him, just a bit. She had an intensity that he wasn't used to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>See,Neil was used to a lot of intense things. Intense pain. Intense violence. Intense fear. Intense silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he was not used to the intense kindness that Renee possessed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It didn't seem to come with a price or an ulterior motive. She was just…nice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Niceness still made him uncomfortable. But Renee made him feel like he deserved it, so he figured he should at least try. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I've been meaning to ask you something.” Renee practically chirps, and starts to dig around in her purse. She pulls out a neon green flier. Neil nods, signaling for her to continue. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you like to attend yoga classes with me? They’re giving 25% off if you get two memberships, and you seem to be very flexible.” she informs him, a soft smile on her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil doesn't know what to say, but before his brain can catch up with his mouth (which it almost never does) he says; </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay” she tells him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hands him the flier and walks off to her next class.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Okay, he thinks to himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p><b>[Renee] 2:35</b> <span>Delivered</span></p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The class is starting in 15. Meet me at the oak tree? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>[Neil] 2:37 </b>
  <span>Delivered </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>sure</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Walking into the ‘classroom’ was not what he expected. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil thought that it would be a pristine white room with plants all over and brightly colored foam mats set out on the floor. The instructor would be some peppy blonde who couldn't stop fake smiling and everything would smell of eucalyptus.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instead, Renee and Neil entered a dark room lit by candles. There were no artificial smells and instead of a blonde woman leading the lesson, an older man with a scruffy beard sat at the front of the room sipping on a water bottle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello,Dan,” Renee said as she approached the man. She had her long hair tied up in a braid, the dyed streaks peaking out like ribbons. Neil himself had his hair in a small bun at the back of his head. Allison hadn't cut it in a while so it was getting long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh Renee! How are you? And who’s this?” the man asked, eyeing Neil excitedly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm well. This is Neil, he’s going to be taking these classes with me.” She gestured towards Neil with her hands then turned to face him. “Neil, this is Dan. My mother wrote an article about an accident he had been in and they became good friends through it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh. That's how she knew him. Sometimes Neil found himself forgetting that Renee’s mother was world-renowned reporter Stephanie Walker. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>More people started to fill into the room, so Renee walked to a spot on the left side of the ‘classroom’ and set down two yoga mats. She then sat on the innermost cyan one, so Neil sat on the other, which was a calming and deep purple. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Let the yoga begin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So. Did you enjoy it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Surprisingly, Neil had. And, as he had promised Andrew (and all the other Foxes),he was honest with her when said; </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I did.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was something relaxing about the experience, like he had finally been anchored down in space. He always used running as his escape. He could pretend he was going away, get the thoughts out of his head. A weird, sometimes destructive form of coping. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But yoga had the same effect on him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With the yoga, he could just focus on his body. How it twisted and bent,how his lungs filled and exhaled. All other thoughts left him and he finally breathed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With running he was always trying to catch his breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil guesses that that’s the difference between running and staying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will you go with me to the next class?” Renee asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you and Andrew?” Renee asked, taking a bite from her salad. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had started a routine of sorts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Every Saturday at 3:20 they would go to yoga class together. Then they would go to one of the surrounding cafes and get a bite to eat before heading to practice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why do you ask?” Neil queried. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Andrew seems much more…at peace since becoming involved with you, as do you. I want to know if things are as well as they seem.” She smiled softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They…are,but it's weird.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That's another thing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil has found himself starting to admit things to her. Things that he hasn't told anyone else (besides probably Andrew). They’re usually not anything of great importance, just opinions he has or little tid-bits from his life on the run. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil supposes they're getting close. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Weird? How so?” Renee quirked an eyebrow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not bad but…different. I'm not used to having someone who I'm this close with. A person who I want to tell everything about me. I wanna spend all my time with him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Do</span>
  </em>
  <span> things I've never wanted to do. I've never felt like this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well…I can't say i've ever felt like that before but it does sound overwhelming.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That surprised him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You've never been with someone before?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I'm Aromantic.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aromantic?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. It means I don't feel romantic attraction to people. I've never wanted to be in a relationship like that. Sorry i thought you would know the definition.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm. Why’s that? Is it common?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That might’ve been insensitive. Too late now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, not particularly. I just assumed, because you seem to be on the spectrum yourself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Spectrum?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There are different levels of aromanticism. Some people only feel romantic attraction to people they have a deep platonic bond with. Some people only feel romantic attraction under very specific circumstances. There's a lot of nuance to it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil just stared, so Renee pulled out her phone and started typing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here, i'll send you some websites that have information. You might want to look into it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then Neils phone started ringing. Playing that stupid song about runaways that he still hadn't changed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's Kevin. I think we're late to practice.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, we better go.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil smiled and looked down at the other notification he had gotten. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>[Renee] 5:02 </b>
  <span>Delivered </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>here are the websites…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A week later, Andrew had gotten the flu. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil would’ve preferred to stay in the dorm room with him, but Andrew wouldn't allow it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So Neil was stuck at practice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was walking his laps with Renee, since she was alone now due to the missing second goalkeeper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you look into the websites?” Renee asked, curiosity palpable in her voice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil had. He had spent an entire night looking at them and websites similar. He was surprised by the sheer amount of labels there were. He knew there </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be more than just gay or straight like Nicky made it out to seem but the sheer quantity of labels he was swimming in was frankly startling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew that Nicky didn't mean to alienate, but now that he had seen the sheer amount of identities that were outside of the heterosexual norm, it felt as much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil had never had any explanation as to why he doesn't swing. He didn't have an explanation as to why he liked Andrew and no one else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But now he did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because there were words for it. There were people like him. His Mother didn't beat feeling out of him and he was just fucked up from his childhood. It was normal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He went for the short answer and just said; </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you think?” Renee asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think…that i'm demisexual and demiromantic. I don't swing.Not really.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renee looked at him like she was proud. It made Neil feel warm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renee takes Neil to an ice cream place. Neil doesn't know why, ice cream is Andrew’s thing, but when he asks her she just says:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll see.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The teenager behind the counter looks bored. Her face is covered in too orange makeup and she's staring at her phone. He can't really blame her. There are a few people there but not enough that the teen (her name tag reads Caroline) has to really pay attention to anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once they get up to the counter he sees why she brought him here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's not an ice cream place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They only sell sherberts and fruit sorbets. Andrew would hate it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil wants to cry. Because another person knows him. Knows him well enough that they brought him here, to a place where they sell one of the only sweet things he enjoys. (His mother wouldn't have known to do this, even if she wanted to take him somewhere special.) He doesn't cry, because that would be embarrassing, but he gives a watery smile to Renee and he thinks the message is received.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He orders a lemon sorbet and Renee gets raspberry sherbert. They sit and talk in the booth near the window. She makes him laugh a total of 7 times and he makes her laugh 9. He revels in the feeling of friendship. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Neil was having a bad day. Andrew and Kevin were staying in Oregon to recruit a set of siblings, a goalkeeper and striker respectively, and Neil was alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had had a nightmare the night before and now everywhere he looked he couldn't see himself. He could only see his father's face staring at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was sitting in the foyer at the Foxhole staring at the wall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had wanted to practice, get all the bad thoughts out of his head, but once he put on his gear he just couldn't. Didn't feel strong enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Neil?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The voice was familiar. His chest ached when he heard it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Renee?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” he felt the couch dip, and he knew she was sitting next to him, though she was keeping her distance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Having a bad day. Nightmares.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil knew he kept telling her things, but this was another level.  He knew that the Foxes </span>
  <em>
    <span>must know </span>
  </em>
  <span>that he has nightmares. But he never talks about them. Renee is different, he guesses. She always has been, from the start. He can see why Andrew likes her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you like to talk about them?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I…I don't feel like myself. Everywhere I look I see </span>
  <em>
    <span>him </span>
  </em>
  <span>not </span>
  <em>
    <span>me.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renee pats the couch cushion and he looks up at her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I used to have the same problem. I knew that I was Renee but every time I looked in the mirror I would see Natalie. It's why I dyed my hair.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did you get over it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, like I said, I dyed my hair. And i also reminded myself of the things that i have now, all the things Natalie didn't. I still have those thoughts sometimes, but it's gotten easier over the years.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What did Neil Josten have that Nathaniel Wesninski didn't? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A lot of things. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had a family. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had Exy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had a home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had stayed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had college classes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had essays to write. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had keys. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had </span>
  <em>
    <span>Andrew. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>andmattanddanandnickyandallisonandkevinandwymackandevenaaronand-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>and Renee. Who was right next to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned to face her. Stuck out his hand, then dropped it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He picked the hand back up and slowly moved it towards hers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She laced their fingers together and smiled bright. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Touch-starved, </span>
  </em>
  <span>that's what Andrew had called him (</span>
  <em>
    <span>and Betsy did too)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You said something about hair dye?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They hold hands the entire time at the drugstore. Neil knows what the cashier thinks, that they're dumb kids in love who can't get enough of the other but he doesn't care enough to correct her. It's not like that, it never will be. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> He thinks about Andrew again. He guesses it shows on his face because Renee squeezes his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They make a mess of the bathroom. It's covered in blue. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil thinks he's gotten used to Renee’s intense look of kindness because when she gives it to him after he reveals his hair to the Foxes, all he feels is an incredible sense of fondness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nicky freaks out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god it's like a baby blue cloud on top of your head!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Allison nods her approval. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they text Kevin photos he just rants about the press.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Andrew doesn't say anything, though he does throw a box of green dye at Renee the next time he sees her. Neil laughs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(The Saturday that they're supposed to go to yoga, they skip and instead help Andrew dye his hair. It gets messy again but Neil doesn't care. He's laughing with some of his favorite people.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Well…Andrew doesn't really </span>
  <em>
    <span>laugh</span>
  </em>
  <span> but it's a close thing so Neil thinks it counts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil guesses that the people sharpest were bound to rub off on eachother, and smooth down the others edges. Maybe he's just sentimental. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Who can blame him?)</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading! i really enjoyed writing this, and i have a lot of stuff i'm working on rn so look out for that later!</p><p>hit me up!<br/>Email:astheticallypleasingramen@gmail.com</p></blockquote></div></div>
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